


In Which the Children Are Indisposed and Aziraphale Panics

by OlwenDylluan



Series: It Cannot Be Taken From You [3]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Accidental Baby Acquisition, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Kid Fic, M/M, Other, Snakes, coparenting is hard, does it count as kid fic if the kids are snakes but so is one of the parents, no beta we post like desperate men, snek!babies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 09:13:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20543702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OlwenDylluan/pseuds/OlwenDylluan
Summary: Something's wrong, and Aziraphale flails because he has no idea what to do.





	In Which the Children Are Indisposed and Aziraphale Panics

**Author's Note:**

> help i have committed snek!baby fic again
> 
> Enjoy Aziraphale panicking over the children's first under-the-weather experience. This takes place about seven to ten days after they've hatched.

Aziraphale unlocked the bookshop and moved into the dim space. Odd; he'd thought Crowley would be waiting for him. He flicked the lights on and was met with a cacophony of hissing.

“Good Lord,” he said, startled. He stepped closer to the large vertical enclosure filled with twisty branches, mosses, and rocks. Inside was a large pile of dark snake dotted with smaller touches of red and white. It took a moment before Aziraphale realized that Crowley was in the enclosure, with the babies draped over and around him, a set of blue eyes peeking out from between his coils. “Crowley, my dear, what are you doing?”

Eight golden eyes and four blue stared at him, some of them quite baleful.

“Ah. Ah yes, I’ll--I’ll just turn off the lights, shall I?”

That done, he returned and peered through the gloom at his family again. “Is everything all right, my dears?”

With what would have been an exaggerated eye roll in a human but which came off as an exasperated slow-motion head toss in his snake form, Crowley lifted his upper body to the door and flicked his tongue a few times. Aziraphale held out his arms, not entirely sure what to do. Crowley turned back to hiss at the babies, who drew together in a pile, then brought his upper body up and out the door. He ignored Aziraphale’s arms and went for his shoulder instead, sliding around his neck. As the last coils left the cage Aziraphale stepped backward very carefully, closer to the sofa, and Crowley lowered himself down. When Aziraphale had turned around, Crowley was already back in human form, rubbing his head and making his hair stand on end.

“Whatever is happening, my dear?” Aziraphale said. “You’ve got me quite worried, you know, all of you.”

“It’s the kids,” Crowley said. Aziraphale gasped.

“Are they ill? They’re so new, they’re barely past a week old. How can they be ill? Did I do something wrong in caring for the eggs? Oh, it’s the bookshop, isn’t it, it’s the dust--”

“Angel,” Crowley interrupted, lounging back and rubbing his temples. “They’re not ill, pipe down.”

Aziraphale stopped wringing his hands, but the worry on his face didn’t shift.

“Has something upset them? Are they hungry again? I thought you said that their appetites--”

“Aziraphale, they’re not hungry. For the love of somebody, just take a breath, would you?”

Aziraphale fell silent. He stepped across to the wooden banker’s chair he used at his desk and lowered himself into it.

“Tell me,” he said tragically, preparing himself for the worst.

“They’re coming up on their first shedding.”

“Their first--” Aziraphale blinked. “But that can’t be right, they’re tiny, so young, such little things. Surely that sort of thing happens later?”

Crowley opened one eye and gave him a Look.

“Between the two of us,” he said, “which is the serpent, yeah?”

Aziraphale held up his hands in a conciliatory gesture.

“Quite right, my dear. I defer to your expert knowledge in this situation.”

“Well,” Crowley said, rolling his head back to stare at the ceiling, “I wouldn’t say expert. ‘M not precisely a _snake_, not the way they are. But it’s the closest thing we’ve got, so.”

“Well then. They’re… going to shed.”

“Yep. See, snakeskin doesn’t grow the way human skin does. It doesn’t stretch. A snake literally outgrows its skin, so it has to split and come off because it won't fit anymore. They’re growing another layer below it, but it will be a bit tender for a few days. It seems early to you, but they’re growing like anything right now.”

Aziraphale looked at the dim enclosure worriedly.

“How long will it take?” 

“A week or so.”

“How many more times will this happen? How fast do they grow?”

Crowley spread his hands.

“No idea. Don’t even know how big they’ll end up. Once they hit adulthood, it slows down to once or twice a year. Depends on them, really.”

“So they’re… all right? This is perfectly normal?”

“I imagine so,” Crowley said. “As normal as things can be for snakes created from angelic belief in a bad joke. They’re cranky as all get out right now. Imagine feeling as if your skin is too tight and it’s constricting you.”

“I’d be in a foul mood, too,” Aziraphale admitted. “Poor darlings. What must we do?”

“Moisture,” Crowley said. “I’ve misted the enclosure a few times today. A pan of water so they can get in and soothe the itch, soften the skin to make it easier to flake off. What would be ideal is if we put a humidifier in here.”

“A humidi--Crowley, you can’t do that! The books! Humidity is terrible for books! It could ruin them!”

“Not a sacrifice you’re willing to make for your own children?” When Aziraphale sputtered, Crowley laughed. “Misting the inside and the plants, and a pan of water should be fine, angel.”

* * *

The next day, while Crowley drowsed with the snakelets, Aziraphale went out for an hour or so and came back with shopping bags. 

“I spoke to a _ lovely _ lady at the pet supply,” he said, putting the bags down next to the enclosure. “She’s a herpetology student at the veterinary college. So helpful! She recommended a hygrometer, so we could keep track of the level of humidity in the cage. She said orchid bark was an excellent bedding material because it held moisture, so I picked up some bags of that. Orchid bark, my dear, imagine! And she suggested putting something solid across the top, to help trap the moisture, so I popped into the hardware shop on the way home and got a square of something they called plexiglass.” Aziraphale knelt and rummaged through one of the bags. “The quite helpful lady also said the children would need rough things to rub against to help loosen the skin, and I do know we have rocks and branches in there, but I popped by the park on the way back and found some pinecones for them as well.”

Crowley lifted his head a bit more to see the things Aziraphale was pulling out. The angel paused and glanced up at him, the square of plexiglass in his hands.

“I know the poor dears must feel irritable and cranky, and I can’t… I can’t help them other than in ways like this," he said quietly. "I expect they don’t want to be held if their skin feels all tight and drawn. Snuggling with you is the best reassurance they can have, I imagine.”

Crowley reached his head out of the cage, lowered it to Aziraphale’s level, and flickered his tongue against the angel’s cheek. The cheek in question went pink.

“I’ll just… I’ll just put this across the top, then,” he said. “There. Now, I’ll go make a nice cup of tea, and then come back and read you all a quiet book, shall I?”

Crowley drew his head back into the enclosure and coiled around his children again.

_ Father, what is Azirafather doing? _

_ Taking excellent care of you, spawn. You’re lucky. Not everyone has a guardian angel for a dad, you know. _

**Author's Note:**

> You are all so nice and encouraging that I wrote more! Thank you so much for your lovely comments on the previous two fics.


End file.
